Crying

I've told myself to stop crying,

I can taste the saltiness,

Practically feel the mascara running down my face.

''stop crying"

However I can tell myself blue in the face,

Yet the tears keep falling.

Sometimes it hails,

While most days are just a sprinkle or drizzle,

Yet no thunder.

Thunder only I can hear.

That rumble deep in my chest.

"Stop crying"

I hate crying,

I don't know what I'm watering

Probably just sprouting more pain.

Will I ever stop?

making it about me

I make it about me.

I cry if I get an unwanted vibe,

I get jealous because I'm not included.

I don't like to include myself in things, events, and celebrations; social anxiety.

I can't help but think my family don't want me apart of their lives.

Everything starts with "I"

So I guess "I" am the problem.

"I" make it about me.

it's Friday night

He talked to me like I'm stupid again, but whatever I should be use to it. Right? My heart breaks but I don't feel nothing. At least only a little.

knocked down 4x

I did my makeup today,

Wanted attention from you.

Not the kind where you touch my ass and then... 

*Bam*

Face in the pillow as you take me from behind.

The kind of attention as a look.

The look you gave me when I had our babies,

The look you had on the day I married you,

The look you had when we first became an us.

I just wanted you.

Then she arrived.

It was 6 o'clock

All day I heard nothing from you,

You never hold my hand in public,

We're never "in love"

It's like 13 years together and time has run out.

I want to cry every time I see you look in her direction,

Are you thinking I was the second choice.

Are you thinking that knocking me up was a double whoops 

I was just someone to spend time with.

My heart hurts as I try not to cry.

My head hurts just listening to you act like nothing is wrong.

You looked in her direction every 5 seconds till she was no longer in sight.

Why wouldn't you she is pretty.

She's everything I'm no longer...

Beautiful, kind, skinny, 

And here I am with a bad attitude, anti social, and no longer that person I was in highschool.

No surprise everyone likes her.

Maybe if covid took me you would have had your shot.

Everytime I decide to love myself, 

I get knocked down 4x more.

I loved myself yesterday and this morning,

Tonight there is a hole in my heart.

It's not her fault,

It's probably not even yours...

Maybe it's mine.

My Persuasion

 There have been both good and bad reviews on "Persuasion". Some thinking the movie is just damaging the words of Jane Austen, while some just simply enjoy the plot of a second chance at love.

I watched it.

I watched it and was back in that world, the world where the universe wasn't so cruel. When I could talk to him. It made me feel all those feelings I had had for him back then, surface and I don't know if that's a good thing. 

I don't like being this person whenever movies such as this, come out, this stalker feeling. He is who I compare everyone else to. My first love. Like "Anne", I would say I broke his heart, but he too broke mine right back. 

I don't know what it is, why do I have to compare everyone to him?!

He wasn't mine to claim, but he too could have told me his feelings were there. If they were there....

Why am I fooling myself, it was just a movie. 

Here we go again watching it for the 15th time again...

Go ahead Netflix, break my heart.