Worse.

Well from the looks of it things get better, then they get worse. You think things will be better, but then somethings comes between you and the one you love. I know that if things continue this way, I'll no longer live in my Colorado home. I hope and try to make everyday a better day, but in the end the only upside to my current situation is my son. He cheers me up when I feel all is lost.

"I love you babe, hold my hand" is what he says.

Why wouldn't this not put a smile on my face.

Since my mom is in the same house it is kind of hard to hide my feelings. I feel better when he is at work, I get time off away from him. Its not like he comes home and kisses me like he used to, so I'm used to him not having open arms.

Sometimes I can tell his family dont like me anymore, all because I became this monster. The monster is uncle-in-law created. What they don't know is better for them. I don't want to be responsible for the break up of a family, so I take the abuse. Luckily for me the abuse is not that bad, yet...

So off I go to bed, to go to work tomorrow.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams.
Taylor

Sunday

Feeling alone, wanting the apology but im never going to get one. Sometimes thats when being alone has its upside. No one can hurt you or disappoint you.
Crying my self to sleep has become a habit, a habit that I hope I can break. Kissing him no longer has that powerful feeling, instead the kiss of death. My happiness dies day by day, but at the same time he revives me; brings me back to this life.
He was upset over a missing/hidden phone. Selfish, fine! Sometimes its better to be distant from him, can't wait to run away on Wednesday.
He has his arm wrapped around me as if he cares, calling me selfish and expecting me to hold him in return. Im lying here hoping some prince in blue jeans and black tshirt can save me. Hes become the dragon that needs to be locked away in the castle.
So as I lay here while he snores down my back, I imagine fire breathing from his nostrils.
Have a better day than me.
Taylor.

Alone

I have been trying to be happy for the past couple of months. Just like in april, my best friend since I was five no longer wanted to be my friend. My husband chased him away, yet tonight as he lays by me I feel completely alone.
Yesterday when I had done laundry in the public laundry mat, I didnt notice that there was someone who had left their underwear behind in the washer. I teased him and asked "are you messing around on me?" It was then that I started to wonder were those in there before or when I washed his jeans.
I began to think is this why he pushes me away, is this why we constantly can't get along; because he is messing around on me.
All day today we haven't hugged or touched one another. "Babe" does not come out my mouth, only his first name. He constantly but jokingly teases that my son is actually his cousins baby, what if he actually means it. His cousin and I have known each other two years more than me and him, we did like each other. Romantically nothing happened.
I hate being teased this way. Though it is a dumb idea to get a significant others name on ones body, he said he would never put my name on him because of "before". Before; we had been split up, and I had fallen for another. Which comes to maybe he is messing around on me, sadly maybe I deserve it as paybacks. Going back to the tattooing story, the way he said it "before". He made it totally feel like he dont want to spend the rest of his life with me.
I guess I dont blame him, he can go on with his life without a person who is grouchy all the time. I'm better off alone with my son anyways, were always together while he's off at work, playing soccer, hanging out with his family.
All I want is for someone/him to just hold me close and tell me he loves me, especially now that I feel so alone.
Maybe this is finally the end.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams.
Taylor.

Laundry Day

This morning was a slow start. Expected to be up at 8 o'clock to wash my blankets and laundry, but didn't really go as planned. How could it if I fell asleep at 5 o'clock in the morning. I found my son on the couch watching his favorite cartoon "Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends" wrapped in his green blanket. It was 10 o'clock, and my mom was ready to go. 
My mom and I are closer than ever, which is kind of why were never apart.
When we had gotten to the laundry mat there was a father and daughter unloading laundry from their truck. Every time I see father/daughter moments or activities I cant help but wish my dad could be here with me, its already been 13 Christmas spent without him. Turns out the father had twins, same jacket, same tablet color, and same hair cut.
I sat there and wondered do they sit at school together, they must have been 16; and I was curious. I've watched shows such as "Hoarders" about twins, they hoarded different items and never really been without each other. I thought maybe losing each other is like not seeing your reflection in the mirror no more. They did everything in sync. Eating, laughing, to having their legs crossed the same.
After laundry was completed, I was ready to go to work. Ready than I'll ever be. Suprisingly it was dead, I am a front desk attendant at a recreation center. Everyone was out of the building, we shut it down 10 minutes early.
My youngest brother asked to be picked up, like I had said yesterday; it his vacation from his hell. His biological mother now drinks, has a girlfriend who is very demanding. Things have to be done her way, especially controlling my brothers food intake. Portion Control is what he calls it. Of course it wasnt long till my mom bitched out his mom.
I'm listening to the Mexi's (mexicans) upstairs and decided I'm going to end this entry and join them.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams.
Taylor.

The Beginning of This

It wasn't until last night I realized that throught my "time" of having a journal, everyone has tried to get their hands on it. Wanting to know my secrets, my ambitions, the whole workings of my brain. Hiding my journal in different places was no longer fun anymore. So for everyone trying to win a spot in my head, here you go. My Brain, My Life; is probably not that exciting as you make it seem.

Christmas was not white this year, just felt as if spring is demanding to show its colors. This morning my mother and I watched and finished the series "Orange is the New Black". Quiet until the silence broke with my youngest brother walking into the living room to sit with us. It was not that long till my  son, 3 years of age, came to sit with mom, uncle, and grandma. You people reading this should know my mom lives with me and my family. My brother also considered to be known as a stepbrother like to stay with my mom, a vacation from is hell called home.

22 and the year almost ending, I guess I could say this was my roughest year ever. I'm just hoping what everyone else in the world is hoping for; a new start.

As my day progressed, it was around 2 o'clock that we decided we should communicate with the world. By that I mean eating at Apple Bee's. My son wanting the 2 mini cheese burgers and cheese sticks, no wonder why he's got the farts right now. He also even wanted to visit his favorite place in the world; Wal-Mart. Since its after Christmas, My mom thought it was a great time to shop for relatives across the Colorado border. New Mexico is where they reside, where my hometown and family live. Turns out Wal-Mart after Christmas is just like Black Friday; Hopeless.

Luckily when we got home, my mom and I decided to watch SoMo. Our way of relaxing and wishing  we could be next to this star on the rise. We search for a concert video that was in Arizona, a way of reliving that night we got to see him perform. It'll be one we can't forget I can tell you that much.

So as the yawns start to take control, this is the end of my first entry.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams.
Taylor.