without connection

So I have no internet due to moving to a place. I miss Colorado. Sucks but I've been away with no connection to my page. Haha.

Last Week

One more day and I will be gone. Who will miss me and who won't? I'm making my way slowly to the city. A place I never wanted to be living but at least its for a while. I will miss this place, My work. I've meet a lot of new people, became friends with the friendly faces walking in.

I'm Ready to start my car and drive to the lights!

Baby or No Baby...

Doctors appointment went well, but not planning to have another baby till hmm... maybe the end of this year...

Drunk.

They are just words they say. They don't mean it. Others say "their true feeling are said". So I wonder which is it. Someone once dedicated a song to me when they were drunk.

 

"And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight"

 

They told me they missed me, that they think of me. We always wonders what if, but he was still hesitant. Told me to not to believe anything he had said, wait till he was sober. He wanted me to actually hear him.

 

So now what do I believe?

 

But as last night played out, I was shoved away. Told to go visit with someone besides him.

 

As I see it I don't know what to believe. The only time where I wasn't treated bad on left wondering, was the time I spent with my ex-bestfriend. He drank, but no more than 3; at least while I was there. Made me laugh and I had a great time.

 

So why is it that alcohol changed my husband and an old friend, except this one odd relationship. Now this is nothing but a chick rambling on in a mess.


Baptism

changing my mind

If I thought about how many times I'd hope to tell you something important; like "I love you". It would be more than one hundred. The sound of your laughter clouding my entire mind. The sound of you drumming your fingers on the red lunch tables. For me it was never easy giving up my feelings to anyone. But now that it came down to you, I'm missing out. I will continue missing out because I never opened and forced the words off my lips. Instead they linger in my mouth spoiled because you were never given the chance to hear them. Late. Never will be said.

Moving

Albuquerque, here I come.
School Here I come.

Fouth Of July

It was just my birthday yesterday, and today I was spending my 4th of July with him. No matter how many times we seperate, things and events always bring us back together. He can tell me to stay away or to be distant, but soon we were laughing and spending time together as if things were normal. I want things between us to be normal but sometimes they can't be. He still looks at me with that weird observing eye, he's the only one that looks at me that way. To me its his signature stare, trademarked and copywrited.

As for today, I'll go back to the way things used to be; distant and un-normal.

Breakfast with Pete

I have been holding this off for a while, Special Someone is a entry I had wrote a while back about a kind old man named Pete. It wasn't that long that I had written it, proves time does go fast as lightning. Pete Millich passed away on a Monday. Tuesday was the day I had found out, I wanted to cry. Cry for an old man who taught me a couple things, painted a vision of the past for me. Talked about his wife and how much he missed her, and realized a long time ago no one can ever replace her. I knew him for about 3 years of Fridays. As my mom told me about Pete passing away, my heart ached. I was expecting to see Pete Friday morning 6/13/14. For the past years I had the privilege of cooking breakast for him. 9:00 he would always be on time, in his ball cap and plaid button up and pulling up in his white impala.

Friday when I cooked I was heartbroken. The funeral was that day and sadly he woud not be there with his positive attitude. As I began cooking I started to have a lump in my throat. Friends of his slowly came in, all on time, and sat at his table. No one cried but the emotion was strong in the room. Friends came to eat in his honor, though he wasn't there; they came to be with him in spirit. Deep down I felt they knew he would want us all there.

Soon the mood changed, everyone was happy sitting and eating at Pete's table. Everyone loved the strawberry cool whip covered waffle/pancakes.

Pete I'll miss you and think of you every Friday, happily eating my cooking. Thanks for coming into my life and putting your two cents in.

Marvel

Lets Try A Photo

Birthday

I always loved you in your black t-shirt.

Less Than Before

As he let me go for the second time, I began dealing with it. Thinking back on the day he let me go the first time, I remember throwing my phone with tears streaming down my face. Crying the way I did when my daddy passed away, no would was able to console me. I was a fish thrown back into the water because things got to kind. Second time around; "I can handle it". We aren't even called friends now so why do I still cry uncontrollably? I can't help but hope and believe we'll always be together and never part.  No longer kids tackling each other but adults dealing with life as it comes. I want to be that kid. Long hair blowing in the wind with him at my side.

So like I said the first time "I slowly let you slip out of my heart, day by day". I no longer want to hear that song, no longer want to make eye contact, no longer hear his voice.

I'm letting you go completely.

This Is Where You're MTB

You think about that one person that changed your life. The one who made you smile when you didn't think you ever could. The person who made sure you knew you were beautiful.

I fought with this person multiple times, but you never really could stay mad at this person. They had this light in their eye, in their soul that stood out from all the rest. There were days when I wanted to give up and say "this is it". When it felt like the end, it wasn't long till they came back and started it up again.

Some people would look at it as if it was "fate, destiny, meant-to-be". Maybe it could have been forever...

Contagious

His mood rubbed off onto me. I was fine and happy, but it was like in that hour period he got mad. It wasn't until liater that he had told me hat happened. It was the presence of a foe.
I got over that news way long time ago. He can't seem to let go. Sometimes moods like his are unpredictable.

One or the Other

He had a decision, whether I was the love of his life or his soul mate.
He said I was the love of his life.

okay then.

Together

I've got to the point where I no longer care if I am sleeping alone. As my husband works and makes it home at 5 o'clock, I lay in bed and only care to dream. Then all day he sleeps till he gets up to go to work again. Seems to be our cycle of things, though there is not alot of time spent with Forrest.  Forrest and I are always together,  he dont need to be put on hold till his dad gets off work. Until then we have our on life, we enjoy every moment like tomorrow will never come. So as he sleeps in the bed, we continue life. So night ****.

Mexico

You never know how much you're spoiled until you meet someone who has nothing but the clothes on their back and a smile on thier face. It was from day one that I was wanting to throw everything away, and give it to a boy; sweet and caring. People on the outside may only see Mexico from a resort view, but thats only a piece. Family, a strong bond that pulls everyone together; because really thats all that they need. As this little boy smiled for an old soccer ball, deep in my heart I wanted to give him more. So the next time I want or my son wants something, I'll imagine this little boy and ask myself do I NEED this?

Quince!!

 Our trip in Mexico :)

Family

Still Standing

I wasn't going to fall for it; a false gesture. Though it was as if nothing changed. We talked as if nothing happened, but for me it was as if I was the only one badly bruised. I could have gave in and hugged him, but I wasn't going to let him hurt me again. Jokes and laughs can engulf us, but my wall is still standing. Time will only tell if I let the wall crumble.

Letting Go

I'm slowly letting him back in. Even though its five minutes I get to at least spend with him, I'm happy. I know I probably won't get my best friend back, but if this is as close as I'll get; I accept. As I listen to songs that remind me of us, I also accept that it was real at one point. True Friends.

Though I can't give him what he wanted, I hope he's happy; even if he's more happy then I am.

When I catch his glance, I sometimes can't look him in the eye. At one point in time, I wanted to give us a try, but why would I want to jeopardize a friendship as close as ours. Even then he barely go into a relationship and I wasn't going to allow my jealousy ruin it. Though he was mine first, I let him go.

Moving on from what "used to be" is hard for me. I don't think I can hug him, tell him I love him. Now that I look back on it I should have given more hugs, took advantage of hugging him; because now I'm paying for it.

So here is the last "I Love You."

New Day

For some reason I never have the urge to right anymore, I sit and listen to Eyes on Fire and just waiting for something interesting to happen???

That day

As I did their photos the other day I had fun. It's been a while since I've had felt that way.  I was able to be with my ex-bestfriend, I took photo's of my brother and him for almost two hours. Everyone was having fun and I couldn't help but notice the feeling that he misses me too. As it came to an end we hopped in the car, riding shot gun for the second time with him was starting to feel natural for me. I didn't feel the need to hide my face and compose myself. Instead I sat there and thought finally I'm slowly getting my friend back.
When I talk about him to hugo, he seems to not care or want to listen.
I miss my ex-bestfriend so much, being in the same room (even if were not talking) is enough for me. He talks to me more, but still he has that little wall up, just as I have mine.
Then I wonder if were not going to be friends why are we like this? I should stay home. He shouldn't be able to tease me. No more riding in cars together. It should be just like that.... I guess.

Thursday

Something about last night was different. I watched as my son looked at him with his scrunched down eyebrows and pouty lips; fighting back a laugh, smile. It was a simple contest, but we all knew who would lose. As my son smiled, I looked at his opponent; he had his smile on his face but yet I knew he was missing something. I can tell as he played with my son how much he missed his baby girl. He can laugh and hide it but as an old friend, I can see his hurt. I know he is a great dad, and as I watch him play with son I hope he gets a little comfort.
As for me, he was so close but yet still far from me. I hate not being able to say, feel, and do things that we used to. Accepting the fact, this is probably the closest I'll ever get to my old friend.

Good Morning,
Taylor.

Last Night

I'm able to stand guard, tall, strong, and thickest wall ever. But when into battle, I have no army. Last night with no army beside me I was defenseless, I had no one there to shield me.
So as he hovered over me, I could feel his breath sliding down my back. He touched my side, that single second felt like hours, I told him to get away and he tookit as a joke. He walked and sat in the couch behind me and still I could feel his eyes touching, abusing my body. I still have shivers all over my body just talking about it.
The next time he hovered over me was when I could no longer stand it. He pressed himself against my lower back. He lingered there till I pushed him away. It continued for another two times. His wife was laying in his bed, children still loud and wide awake; but not around to see or notice what he was doing to me.
Im afraid to tell my mom, where would we go? My husband asked what did I do? It wasnt till this morning that he decided I shouldnt be by myself anymore. My brothers house is now a safezone till ten, but till then I'm on my own.
I now realize why I dont like myself, he ruined me. Stole my self esteem and I dont think I can get it back.
I want a home.

Friday

I always wonder when this will end.

The Dress

Prom was one time I wore a dress. After elementary school, I never wore dresses. Of course I liked dresses here and there, but never had the guts of wearing one.
When I got married I did not wear a dress, I guess since I married a mexican; I am now obligated to wear dresses. When I look at my in-laws they're overdressed, click-clacky shoes, and poofy hair; why should I do that?

Today I decide to try one three dresses and play with the idea of wearing a dress to a sweet 15. The dresses I had chosen were black, purple, and ivory dress. I automatically fall in love with the ivory dress. It was too good to be true, a couple words and it ruins my mood.
"I like the blue dress and black jacket better." Of course it came from my husbands mouth. Might as well said I looked fat too.

I just wanted something nice to come from his mouth, but of course its got to be negative.

A dress. Something I never wear. Not even in the future. Fuck the dress.

Taylor

My Dream

So far every night since November, I've been having this dream. I'm telling an old friend of my friend of mine that I miss them. I hug them and hope that in return they feel the same way.
But in the end they act as if it doesnt faze them. Sometimes they even push me away.

What is strange about it is that in reality i'm telling my mom and even my sister dani that I want to apologize to my friend. And of course let them know I miss them. Just as what I'm doing in the dream I want to do it in real life. Because of those dream, in reality I dont act on it because I'm afraid of rejection.

My friend and I are no longer friends, and being rejected again is not something I want to go through. So being distant is all I can handle right now, never taking my wall down; as well as my guard.

This pain is worse than it ever was, because no matter how much he made me cry and had this wall built; I'll always care about him.

All I can say is I hate this dream. Eh!

Taylor.

Our Moon

Since December 16th, its been a while since I've written a poem on my "in a whisper her stories came out" blog. Today I guess I found inspiration you can call it. Sometimes I can write and write, luckily today I typed. A friend of mine came to me broken hearted, I listen and a story/poem comes to mind.

Today was my friday, Ive been constantly working and now I can chillax. My son plays with my hair, tells me he loves me and kisses my cheek. Im glad he chose to be with me, this little angel said "I want her to be my mommy." He tells me every night, "mom i want the moon, I love it"
"You can have it, I'll give it to you okay" i tell him.
"Thanks mom, I love it"
No one ever gave me the moon and the stars, and my little prince must know deep down they mean alot. I know they mean alot, thats why I gave him the moon. My moon; that Ive looked at for the past 22 years, the moon that has the rabbit splash across its face.
The moon means alot to me.
Prince Charming was never going to give me the moon, the stars, the universe.
So as me and my son stare at the moon, I tell him to talk to the rabbit, the rabbit listens when no one else will.
Its funny because after I told him that he says "rabbit, I want a hot dog."
Maybe he'll understand when he gets older, but right now I'm enjoying this.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams.
Taylor.

Falling

Puffy eyes from crying last night. Why is it when you miss someone so much they dont hear you? You can say their name over and over and still they say nothing in return.
I can say "dad i miss you" but its not like he's coming back anytime soon. I wont get to see him grow old and fragile, instead when he passed away he still had his youth. But parts of his youth was scratched from the pavement from when he was hit. The back of his hands had road rash and I could no longer see my daddy.
Every now and then he visits my mom in her sleep, holds her and tells her he loves her. Yet I've never seen his since I've got with my husband.
I wonder why he left, I wonder why he visits my mom and not me. I can say his name over and over and yet he's never there.
People say he's in your heart, he loved you very much. Well let me ask you this, why does my heart hurt so much? Why does it break everytime?
Why did he leave? What was it for?
I never wanted to get married. I wanted my father and daughter dances all those little girls got. I wanted my dad to tell me i was beautiful on my way to prom. I wanted to fight with my dad, slam a door in his face or get grounded by him. He was suppose to walk me down the isle, maybe thats why I never had a fancy wedding. He wasnt going to give me away.
So why does my heart hurt?
I wanted to go tonight without crying, but instead my tears are falling. But it dont matter no one will know, right?

Taylor.

The Mirror

Everyday I look in the mirror wondering why I dont feel beautiful. Maybe its these baggy eyes that are a grey color. Maybe its this scar on my cheek from hot water, or the one by eye from the chicken poxs.
The chicken pox caused me to cover my mirrors for months because at that time I was ugly.
Still I look at myself and see my stretch marks from carrying my son. I used to feel beautiful. No one says so anymore, I must have lost my beauty after all the shit I put up with.
I wanna hear "you're beautiful" but nothing is ever said, guess I'm not.
Its up to me from now on.
Next time I look in the mirror from now on, I'll tell myself "You Are Beautiful"

Him.

Sometimes I want to be away from this mess I made. I want to be on my own where I don't hurt anybody. I hurt my best friend by not loving him more. I hurt my husband by not loving him enough. I want to do right by everyone, but I don't have enough strength in me to let it go.
As my husband and I fight to keep us from breaking, like I said something comes between us. I don't know why we do this to each other. Loving him was always easy, but now not so much. After my best friend left I kept my guard up, chased him out so I won't get hurt.
He says my best friend left because he was "stupid" "if he loved you why would he have hurt you?" "He's not the same person anymore" I guess I blame my husband for him leaving.
When my husband and I get pass the troubles our time is amazing. Kisses on the forehead, hugs and cuddling in bed. Most of all love. Not the sexual kind of love, but love: looks in the eye, silence, brushing of my hair behind my ear, and tracing of the lips. The absolute moment that everything falls in place.
I wish I could never leave this place.

Special Someone

As for January 7, today I woke up; ready to attack this day. Sadly I worked a full 8 hour shift. I watched as the customers came in: regular and new. Realized I have gotten attached to a few. I wondered if I would cry when I realized they moved on from this world. I'd never be able to hear them as when I do when I cook for them. A guy named Pete has become a favorite, always calling me young lady and always cheerful. He is getting to the very top of his age and I'm starting to realize if he is gone, who will talk to me as he did.
Things such as this never occured to me before, but now it hits me. Just as I reflect on my life. I wish I could have told my dad I loved him one last time, hugged him one last time. So I cherish every moment with everyone I run into. What if its there last, what if its mine. I would like to make a footprint in this world. Make a difference for my son.
So as I finish this off, please remember to tell the loved ones you love them. Were only here for a while, enjoy it.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams
Taylor.

Vacation

Well I have recently returned from vacation. My grandma is always a great place away from home. My son climbed up the steps and knocked on her door. "Dani I'm Here, Ok." she said to him auntie Dani. We piled inside my grandma's living room and she handed out christmas presents, all for my mom, son, and me. My husband did not come with us, but I was fine with that. It's our way to miss each other when we need time apart.
On our visit there we had caught 3 mice and I caught a cold and bad allergies. Though we did nothing exciting, it was exactly what I needed.

Today I woke up at 5 in the morning to get ready for work. Everyone that is a regular was constantly asking "where have you been?' "how are you?" Always making me feel wanted.

It was also the day I plan to work out from here on out, especially learning how to add more food recipes to my cook book (Brain)

Lets see how long these goals last...

Good Night and Sweet Dreams
Taylor.