knocked down 4x

I did my makeup today,

Wanted attention from you.

Not the kind where you touch my ass and then... 

*Bam*

Face in the pillow as you take me from behind.

The kind of attention as a look.

The look you gave me when I had our babies,

The look you had on the day I married you,

The look you had when we first became an us.

I just wanted you.

Then she arrived.

It was 6 o'clock

All day I heard nothing from you,

You never hold my hand in public,

We're never "in love"

It's like 13 years together and time has run out.

I want to cry every time I see you look in her direction,

Are you thinking I was the second choice.

Are you thinking that knocking me up was a double whoops 

I was just someone to spend time with.

My heart hurts as I try not to cry.

My head hurts just listening to you act like nothing is wrong.

You looked in her direction every 5 seconds till she was no longer in sight.

Why wouldn't you she is pretty.

She's everything I'm no longer...

Beautiful, kind, skinny, 

And here I am with a bad attitude, anti social, and no longer that person I was in highschool.

No surprise everyone likes her.

Maybe if covid took me you would have had your shot.

Everytime I decide to love myself, 

I get knocked down 4x more.

I loved myself yesterday and this morning,

Tonight there is a hole in my heart.

It's not her fault,

It's probably not even yours...

Maybe it's mine.

My Persuasion

 There have been both good and bad reviews on "Persuasion". Some thinking the movie is just damaging the words of Jane Austen, while some just simply enjoy the plot of a second chance at love.

I watched it.

I watched it and was back in that world, the world where the universe wasn't so cruel. When I could talk to him. It made me feel all those feelings I had had for him back then, surface and I don't know if that's a good thing. 

I don't like being this person whenever movies such as this, come out, this stalker feeling. He is who I compare everyone else to. My first love. Like "Anne", I would say I broke his heart, but he too broke mine right back. 

I don't know what it is, why do I have to compare everyone to him?!

He wasn't mine to claim, but he too could have told me his feelings were there. If they were there....

Why am I fooling myself, it was just a movie. 

Here we go again watching it for the 15th time again...

Go ahead Netflix, break my heart.

Bad

Why do I always feel like my world can never stay sane. I always have to get flipped and tossed around, yet I savor the five minutes of happy. My husband and I are good one day and finished the next. I tell everyone we don't have fights, they're little, meaningless. To me, it tears me apart, I'm a bad mom, bad wife, horrible person. Being told I'm forgetful, tired, grouchy, and every other name that is not b*tch, a**hole, *diot; drives me insane. I hate that my tears want to escape, they want to run free. I hate feeling the rest of my day becomes shit and it's contagious. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I feel it is my fault I feel this way. Why do I have such fight in me, when do I give up? When do I put myself first? When am I no longer bad?...

D Word

 I was at a battle with myself.

I was hating the person who stared back at me every time I looked in a mirror.

I was hating the voice inside my head, as well as the voices around me.

I let people control my moods, as well as my actions. 

I missed that person I used to be, she was happy, nice, outgoing; Now, it feels like high school again.

I didn't know how to get myself.

I never had those thoughts.

I have my family, friends, and most of all my children to think about.

But then that was then the voice got louder.

"You're a bad mom"

Not bad ass.

No one knew or understood what was happening to me.

I didn't know what was happening to me.

Alot of tears fell out of me, and I had no way to stop them.

I didn't even know why they were coming out anyways.

Everything was frustrating.

They would say things and it infuriated because they didn't know.

"You're OK, Other people deal with worse, I remember when I...." 

 It became too much for me.

I wanted to run away, I stayed far away from happy people.

Happy Friends, Happy Family, just Happy.

I was afraid my emotions were contagious.

I was afraid I had to fake being happy.

I was plain ol' DEPRESSED.