My Persuasion

 There have been both good and bad reviews on "Persuasion". Some thinking the movie is just damaging the words of Jane Austen, while some just simply enjoy the plot of a second chance at love.

I watched it.

I watched it and was back in that world, the world where the universe wasn't so cruel. When I could talk to him. It made me feel all those feelings I had had for him back then, surface and I don't know if that's a good thing. 

I don't like being this person whenever movies such as this, come out, this stalker feeling. He is who I compare everyone else to. My first love. Like "Anne", I would say I broke his heart, but he too broke mine right back. 

I don't know what it is, why do I have to compare everyone to him?!

He wasn't mine to claim, but he too could have told me his feelings were there. If they were there....

Why am I fooling myself, it was just a movie. 

Here we go again watching it for the 15th time again...

Go ahead Netflix, break my heart.

Bad

Why do I always feel like my world can never stay sane. I always have to get flipped and tossed around, yet I savor the five minutes of happy. My husband and I are good one day and finished the next. I tell everyone we don't have fights, they're little, meaningless. To me, it tears me apart, I'm a bad mom, bad wife, horrible person. Being told I'm forgetful, tired, grouchy, and every other name that is not b*tch, a**hole, *diot; drives me insane. I hate that my tears want to escape, they want to run free. I hate feeling the rest of my day becomes shit and it's contagious. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I feel it is my fault I feel this way. Why do I have such fight in me, when do I give up? When do I put myself first? When am I no longer bad?...

D Word

 I was at a battle with myself.

I was hating the person who stared back at me every time I looked in a mirror.

I was hating the voice inside my head, as well as the voices around me.

I let people control my moods, as well as my actions. 

I missed that person I used to be, she was happy, nice, outgoing; Now, it feels like high school again.

I didn't know how to get myself.

I never had those thoughts.

I have my family, friends, and most of all my children to think about.

But then that was then the voice got louder.

"You're a bad mom"

Not bad ass.

No one knew or understood what was happening to me.

I didn't know what was happening to me.

Alot of tears fell out of me, and I had no way to stop them.

I didn't even know why they were coming out anyways.

Everything was frustrating.

They would say things and it infuriated because they didn't know.

"You're OK, Other people deal with worse, I remember when I...." 

 It became too much for me.

I wanted to run away, I stayed far away from happy people.

Happy Friends, Happy Family, just Happy.

I was afraid my emotions were contagious.

I was afraid I had to fake being happy.

I was plain ol' DEPRESSED.

late night

my head has been going over and over,
on repeat,
on loud,
playing those last words "I'll talk to you tomorrow"

I can hear my brother in the next room,
but it's you who is talking the loudest.

I have friends,
I have pets,
I have family.
I spend my time alone,
not wanting to ever leave my home anymore.

No one should have to stop and change their life for me,
then again it's easier to cry when no one is around.
I try my hardest to put my makeup on,
and then I think to myself "what for?"

I can hear you laughing in my ear,
I sometimes feel your head on my shoulder.

All of a sudden I realize I'm alone again.
surrounded by scattered toys and socks that my baby's and dogs dragged around.
I have this heavy heart and I'm crashing to the floor.
Not one has saved me.
No One Will.

I couldn't save you,
does she know I sometimes blame her.
I should have been home waiting for your call.
maybe then you'd still be sitting on the couch;
XBOX.

I tell myself "it's her fault"
It's Her Fault.

You keep talking to me in my sleep,
and all I want is for it to be real.

But it's not her fault,
it's yours.

I'm alone because of you.
I blame your coupon!
I blame your need for a damn soda.
I'm alone because of you.

Baby will be here!