Crying

I've told myself to stop crying,

I can taste the saltiness,

Practically feel the mascara running down my face.

''stop crying"

However I can tell myself blue in the face,

Yet the tears keep falling.

Sometimes it hails,

While most days are just a sprinkle or drizzle,

Yet no thunder.

Thunder only I can hear.

That rumble deep in my chest.

"Stop crying"

I hate crying,

I don't know what I'm watering

Probably just sprouting more pain.

Will I ever stop?

making it about me

I make it about me.

I cry if I get an unwanted vibe,

I get jealous because I'm not included.

I don't like to include myself in things, events, and celebrations; social anxiety.

I can't help but think my family don't want me apart of their lives.

Everything starts with "I"

So I guess "I" am the problem.

"I" make it about me.

it's Friday night

He talked to me like I'm stupid again, but whatever I should be use to it. Right? My heart breaks but I don't feel nothing. At least only a little.

knocked down 4x

I did my makeup today,

Wanted attention from you.

Not the kind where you touch my ass and then... 

*Bam*

Face in the pillow as you take me from behind.

The kind of attention as a look.

The look you gave me when I had our babies,

The look you had on the day I married you,

The look you had when we first became an us.

I just wanted you.

Then she arrived.

It was 6 o'clock

All day I heard nothing from you,

You never hold my hand in public,

We're never "in love"

It's like 13 years together and time has run out.

I want to cry every time I see you look in her direction,

Are you thinking I was the second choice.

Are you thinking that knocking me up was a double whoops 

I was just someone to spend time with.

My heart hurts as I try not to cry.

My head hurts just listening to you act like nothing is wrong.

You looked in her direction every 5 seconds till she was no longer in sight.

Why wouldn't you she is pretty.

She's everything I'm no longer...

Beautiful, kind, skinny, 

And here I am with a bad attitude, anti social, and no longer that person I was in highschool.

No surprise everyone likes her.

Maybe if covid took me you would have had your shot.

Everytime I decide to love myself, 

I get knocked down 4x more.

I loved myself yesterday and this morning,

Tonight there is a hole in my heart.

It's not her fault,

It's probably not even yours...

Maybe it's mine.

My Persuasion

 There have been both good and bad reviews on "Persuasion". Some thinking the movie is just damaging the words of Jane Austen, while some just simply enjoy the plot of a second chance at love.

I watched it.

I watched it and was back in that world, the world where the universe wasn't so cruel. When I could talk to him. It made me feel all those feelings I had had for him back then, surface and I don't know if that's a good thing. 

I don't like being this person whenever movies such as this, come out, this stalker feeling. He is who I compare everyone else to. My first love. Like "Anne", I would say I broke his heart, but he too broke mine right back. 

I don't know what it is, why do I have to compare everyone to him?!

He wasn't mine to claim, but he too could have told me his feelings were there. If they were there....

Why am I fooling myself, it was just a movie. 

Here we go again watching it for the 15th time again...

Go ahead Netflix, break my heart.

Bad

Why do I always feel like my world can never stay sane. I always have to get flipped and tossed around, yet I savor the five minutes of happy. My husband and I are good one day and finished the next. I tell everyone we don't have fights, they're little, meaningless. To me, it tears me apart, I'm a bad mom, bad wife, horrible person. Being told I'm forgetful, tired, grouchy, and every other name that is not b*tch, a**hole, *diot; drives me insane. I hate that my tears want to escape, they want to run free. I hate feeling the rest of my day becomes shit and it's contagious. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I feel it is my fault I feel this way. Why do I have such fight in me, when do I give up? When do I put myself first? When am I no longer bad?...

D Word

 I was at a battle with myself.

I was hating the person who stared back at me every time I looked in a mirror.

I was hating the voice inside my head, as well as the voices around me.

I let people control my moods, as well as my actions. 

I missed that person I used to be, she was happy, nice, outgoing; Now, it feels like high school again.

I didn't know how to get myself.

I never had those thoughts.

I have my family, friends, and most of all my children to think about.

But then that was then the voice got louder.

"You're a bad mom"

Not bad ass.

No one knew or understood what was happening to me.

I didn't know what was happening to me.

Alot of tears fell out of me, and I had no way to stop them.

I didn't even know why they were coming out anyways.

Everything was frustrating.

They would say things and it infuriated because they didn't know.

"You're OK, Other people deal with worse, I remember when I...." 

 It became too much for me.

I wanted to run away, I stayed far away from happy people.

Happy Friends, Happy Family, just Happy.

I was afraid my emotions were contagious.

I was afraid I had to fake being happy.

I was plain ol' DEPRESSED.

late night

my head has been going over and over,
on repeat,
on loud,
playing those last words "I'll talk to you tomorrow"

I can hear my brother in the next room,
but it's you who is talking the loudest.

I have friends,
I have pets,
I have family.
I spend my time alone,
not wanting to ever leave my home anymore.

No one should have to stop and change their life for me,
then again it's easier to cry when no one is around.
I try my hardest to put my makeup on,
and then I think to myself "what for?"

I can hear you laughing in my ear,
I sometimes feel your head on my shoulder.

All of a sudden I realize I'm alone again.
surrounded by scattered toys and socks that my baby's and dogs dragged around.
I have this heavy heart and I'm crashing to the floor.
Not one has saved me.
No One Will.

I couldn't save you,
does she know I sometimes blame her.
I should have been home waiting for your call.
maybe then you'd still be sitting on the couch;
XBOX.

I tell myself "it's her fault"
It's Her Fault.

You keep talking to me in my sleep,
and all I want is for it to be real.

But it's not her fault,
it's yours.

I'm alone because of you.
I blame your coupon!
I blame your need for a damn soda.
I'm alone because of you.

Baby will be here!

SoMo

You Can Buy Everything

Hook (4x):
You can buy everything
But you can’t, you can’t buy love 

Verse 1:
I've seen a million dollars in my bank
But it don't mean nothing without you
I've run a long time
I've run a long time
Been failing myself
When I'm without you

Hook (4x):
You can buy everything
But you can’t, you can’t buy love 

Verse 2:
I'd die for you
I'd lie for you
I'd steal for you
I'd cry for you
I ride for you
I'll lie all night underneath the sky with you
And I know
That the times right
But i want it all night
You are so damn right
I just wanna hold tight
Fucking every all night
We'll be fucking all night
I just wanna love you
I just feel right
I just wanna touch you
I just wanna squeeze you
I just wanna feel you
I just wanna please you
I just wanna love you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna love love love you all night

Hook (4x):
You can buy everything
But you can’t, you can’t buy love 

Outro:
All I wanna
All I wanna do is
All I wanna
All I wanna do is
All I wanna
All I wanna do is
Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you

I've had my hands tied
For so long
I've had my hands tied
For so long
I'm floating
I'm floating
I'm floating
Oh whoa

late night

I sometimes wonder if he meant what he said. I was the one who wanted to have a baby,
Can you believe it? he said "I was the ONE who WANTED to have a BABY! I." I thought we wanted to have a baby. Add another to our family. But instead he looks at it as more work to do. Now he works long hour with 2 jobs, I see him "luckily" for five hours out of the day. Or let me rephrase that. "Lay next to him for five hours."

But as they say "If you dont want a lazy man, dont be sad about having a busy one that pays the bills."

Off Guard

Sometimes I can't help the way I feel or react. the train can come to a halt or straight up crush me to pieces. Maybe its not enough to be calm anymore. I want to feel every emotion. Pain, right now is all I feel. Brushed off as if it's no big deal but deep inside it's killing me.

Us was all I wanted. Time to get use to the idea was what I needed. Maybe we should have let each other go, like you wanted. Ugh, why do I continue to hold on to everything like they belong to me. They were brought in my life for a reason maybe, just a puzzle piece in my life. A complicated life at that. 

I was caught off guard, knocked to my feet.

 

On My Playlist

If You Don't Love Me Now
Why would you ever love me?
If you don't love me now.

If you don't want me around
Why would you ever want me?
If you don't want me around.

I hear silence
I feel sound
I'm all alone with your letter
Who's gonna save me now?

If I don't move, can I still breathe?
You won't take me down that empty street.

So when the wind blows
Watch me.

If you don't love me now
Why would you ever love me?
If you don't love me now.

If you don't want me around
Why would you ever want me?
If you don't want me around.

Smoke and mirrors
You sure fooled me
When you can't feel the weight of what can't be seen
I loved you when I couldn't love me.
You were there for saving

So when the wind blows
So when the wind blows
Watch me.

If you don't love now
Why would you ever love me?
If you don't love me now.

If you don't want me around
Why would you ever want me?
If you don't want me around.

Then you should give me up now
Then you should give me up now

You held me up
How could you erase me?
You're letting me go
but I'm not falling

If you don't love now
Why would you ever love me?
If you don't love me now.

If you don't want me around
Why would you ever want me?
If you don't want me around.

Then you should give it up now
Then you should give it up now
Watch me

Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed

WiFi!

So maybe a lot has happened since November 2014.

I've finally traveled to a place with connection.
Put my plans on hold.
Wanted to have a baby.
Instead now raising 4 new puppies.

As for my life at this point. My husband doesn't say he loves me. Maybe people at his work believe were separated, no longer married.

I want him to shout it out to the world, I want people to know when he looks at me that he's in love. Instead I wonder if he actually does.
My heart can no longer take it.

Say I'm crazy.

But I want love, not lust.

My Best Friend loves me, and everyone can see that. Why didn't I marry him right? Marriage and My Best Friend should not mix. He knows my life maybe too much.

So why did I pick my husband.

I was Pregnant, One factor.
2. I loved him, Like they all say: he was never like this in the beginning.

We want to have a baby...
but I want to be in love. In love with the fact that we are in this together.
Not questioning "Does he love me? Does he want kids?" and the big one of all "Is he loving someone else?"

I come off demanding, strong, and cautious. But my heart breaks as much as the next person.

So please hate me for being too much in love.

without connection

So I have no internet due to moving to a place. I miss Colorado. Sucks but I've been away with no connection to my page. Haha.

Last Week

One more day and I will be gone. Who will miss me and who won't? I'm making my way slowly to the city. A place I never wanted to be living but at least its for a while. I will miss this place, My work. I've meet a lot of new people, became friends with the friendly faces walking in.

I'm Ready to start my car and drive to the lights!

Baby or No Baby...

Doctors appointment went well, but not planning to have another baby till hmm... maybe the end of this year...

Drunk.

They are just words they say. They don't mean it. Others say "their true feeling are said". So I wonder which is it. Someone once dedicated a song to me when they were drunk.

 

"And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight"

 

They told me they missed me, that they think of me. We always wonders what if, but he was still hesitant. Told me to not to believe anything he had said, wait till he was sober. He wanted me to actually hear him.

 

So now what do I believe?

 

But as last night played out, I was shoved away. Told to go visit with someone besides him.

 

As I see it I don't know what to believe. The only time where I wasn't treated bad on left wondering, was the time I spent with my ex-bestfriend. He drank, but no more than 3; at least while I was there. Made me laugh and I had a great time.

 

So why is it that alcohol changed my husband and an old friend, except this one odd relationship. Now this is nothing but a chick rambling on in a mess.


Baptism

changing my mind

If I thought about how many times I'd hope to tell you something important; like "I love you". It would be more than one hundred. The sound of your laughter clouding my entire mind. The sound of you drumming your fingers on the red lunch tables. For me it was never easy giving up my feelings to anyone. But now that it came down to you, I'm missing out. I will continue missing out because I never opened and forced the words off my lips. Instead they linger in my mouth spoiled because you were never given the chance to hear them. Late. Never will be said.